you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
