I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
