I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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