Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
