Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
