"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
