On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
