Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
