It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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