I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
50% drunk capacity currently
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
