I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
