Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I am puke
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
