just tell him i said nine months
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
