It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
