i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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