Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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