i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
