burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
