i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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