Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize