Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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