That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
