I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
