i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
