I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
