Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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