I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
