We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
