Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
