New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
