also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
