My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
True college students do jello shots in the library
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
