I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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