The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
