Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
