apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
