Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
