If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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