Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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