can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
