I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
