i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
