Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
