this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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