M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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