4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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