So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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