My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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