Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
