he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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