we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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