well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
