he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
