What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
