You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Also, beer. Big fan.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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