if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
