look no pants
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
