dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
